I am in a vortex of obligation.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
