You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
