i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
