i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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