You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
