I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
jump out the window naked night went bad
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