The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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