Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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