you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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