I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
