So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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