guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
