I'm really into asian looking animals
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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