Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
should my penis look like a turkey
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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