Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
