when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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