I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
