At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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