you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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