last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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