Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
