I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
