I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
