I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
