I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
