I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
