Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
