I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
