My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
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Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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