Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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