In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The uberlube is also flammable
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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