I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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