i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
