I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
