i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I yelled at your uterus for you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
