It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
