I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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