"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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