the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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