i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
