she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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