He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The uberlube is also flammable
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
