I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
of course. lets lasso hookers.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
me + whiskey = a bad person
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
