just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
