I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
