all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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