I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
