I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
