mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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