I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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