I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
