i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
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He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
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We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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