It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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