I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
