i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
