He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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