You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
