yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
