I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
