please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
